Goodbyes

I really dislike goodbyes. I dread them. Even when I was little, I was always the type to clutch on to my friends whenever a grownup announced the end of a playdate. I mean, I don’t think anyone is particularly fond of goodbyes, but I think I’m the type of person that’s deeply affected by partings because I always feel intense nostalgia 怀旧, and worry a lot (too much) about whether or not I’ll be able to create such experiences again.

Today after an epic adventure in LA, I said goodbye to Cindy, and we won’t be seeing each other until August. I realized that after this parting, we’ll see each other for a week in August, and then she’ll be off to Cornell, while I’ll be busy trying to find a place for myself in higher education. This will be a very big change for us, from seeing each other almost every day to seeing each other a few times a year if we’re lucky. Today was the first time the reality of this split and the implications it will have on my everyday life finally set in. I already miss her so much. I want us to keep our bond as strong as it is forever. Cindy, if you’re ever reading this, know that I value our friendship beyond words and that I’m always here for you. We made promises to text each other often, and I yearn with all my heart for our friendship to stay as strong and pure as it is.

As so many of my senior friends leave one by one, I can’t help but think about how they could forget about me as they find cooler friends in the real world. My parents and other adults tell me about how the friendships you form in school seem like they’ll last a lifetime, but will inevitably fade away with the years. I really hope that in this new era of technology and globalization, their truth does not become my reality. I know it’ll happen to some degree, that my friends will find people they like better, people with interests more aligned to theirs, and of course I understand that and I couldn’t be happier for them! But I hope those I know now can at least remember me as someone who touched their lives in a positive way at some point. This may come off as blaming my friends for finding new friends, almost out of jealousy, but that is not my mentality at all. I’m just kind of insecure about the value I hold in my friends’ lives. It’s not that I expect a certain appreciation, I just want to keep in touch. I guess in this way I am wary of change, unlike what I may seem like in my desires to travel the world.

I’m really not liking this 天下没有不散的筵席 concept that’s been showing up more and more often as I grow older. From terminated playdates to sending off best friends to college, partings are difficult for me.

P.S. Cindy, I know we can do it. We’ll stay just like this forever and ever and ever.

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